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A Blonde’s  Year in Review

January 
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..
Helllloooo!!!…….bottles won’t fit in printer!!!

March
Got  really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..
Box said ‚ 2-4 years!‘

April 
Trapped on escalator for hours …
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….
8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing…….
Couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm…..
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

September   
The capital of California is ‚C’…..isn’t it???

October
Hate M & M’s…..They are so hard to peel.

November  
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days  …
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn’t call 911.
‚Duh’…..there’s no ‚eleven‘ button on the stupid phone!!!

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Blondes

Posted on: August 3, 2009

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
„I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a  person’s  hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.  Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!“
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
“ You stay out of this, mister!  I’m talking to that little … on your knee.“

 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, „Are you going to San Diego?“
„Sure,“ answered the blonde, „do you need a lift?“
„Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I have two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?   I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.“
„I’d be happy to,“ said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was shocked what he saw! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
„What the heck are you doing here?“ he asked, „I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.“
„Yes, I know you did,“ said the blonde, „but we had money leftover—so now we’re going to Sea World“.

 

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin . She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the ’no haggle on prices‘ attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ‚Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!‘
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, ‚Little lady, just go and give it a try‘!
The blonde headed out toward the river,determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out…….
‚SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!‘

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