Schallendes Lachen

Archive for the ‘Justitia’ Category

Shlomo Dror, Facebook, 28.09.2013 (geteilt von Amil Imani, 17.12.2013)

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility …..

Q: ‚Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?‘

A: ‚No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.‘

Q: ‚Officer, who provided this description?‘

A: ‚The officer who responded to the scene.‘

Q: ‚A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?‘

A: ‚Yes, sir. With my life.‘

Q: ‚With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?‘

A: ‚Yes sir, we do!‘

Q: ‚And do you have a locker in the room?‘

A: ‚Yes, sir, I do.‘

Q: ‚And do you have a lock on your locker?‘

A: ‚Yes, sir.‘

Q: ‚Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?‘

A: ‚You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.‘

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s ‚Best Comeback‘ line — and we think he’ll win.

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These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, „Where am I, Cathy?“
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning ?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one..

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an   autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a     pulse?
WIT NESS : No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began   the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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