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Schlagwörter:
Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.
Here are some examples:
  1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
  3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear  
      them speak.
  4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  5. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
  6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  7. They begin the evening news with ‚Good Evening,‘ then proceed to tell you why it
      isn’t.
  8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‚In case of emergency, notify:‘ I put
      „DOCTOR.“
11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street…with a bald
     head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is his woman. And behind the fall of a successful man
     is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive
      twice.
16. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
17. There’s a fine line between cuddling and… holding someone down so they can’t get
      away.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
19. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage
      makes you a mechanic. (AMEN)
24. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now its getting harder and harder for me to
      find one.
Schlagwörter: ,

„Lexophile“ is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as „you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna  fish“, or „to write with a broken pencil is pointless.“

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year. This year’s winning submissions are posted below; the apparent winner is posted at the very end.

. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve  months.

. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles  U.C.L.A.

. The batteries were given out free of  charge.

 

. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

. A will is a dead giveaway.

. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

. Police were called to a day care center where a 3-year-old was resisting arrest.

. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

 

. A bicycle can’t stand alone;  it is two tired.

. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

 

. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

 

And the very cream of the crop:

. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

//

Schlagwörter:

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase, or a followup sentence or phrase, is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. I hope you enjoy these!

1.       I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2.       Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3.       I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4.       Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
5.       The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
6.       Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7.       If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
8.       We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
9.       War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
10.   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11.   Evening news is where they begin with ‚Good evening‘ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
12.   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
13.   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
14.   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15.   Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
16.   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
17.   I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
18.   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
19.   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
20.   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
21.   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
22.   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
23.   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
24.   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
25.   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
26.   Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
27.   Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
28.   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
29.   I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
30.   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31.   You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
32.   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
33.   Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
34.   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
35.   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
36.   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
37.   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Schlagwörter:
The English Plural
according to….
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing,
Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship…
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing……….

If Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop???

Schlagwörter:

By Richard Lederer

Have you heard the one about the man who went to trial for having pulled a woman down a street by the hair? When the judge asked the arresting officer, „Was she drugged?“ the policeman answered, „Yes sir, a full block.“ Or the one about the woman who asked a Boston cab driver where she could get scrod. „I didn’t know that the verb had that past tense,“ muttered the cabbie.

Both jokes rely on the fact that verb tenses in English are crazy, fraught with a fearful asymmetry and puzzling unpredictability. Some verbs form their past tense by adding -d, -ed, or -t—walk, walked; bend, bent. Others go back in time through an internal vowel change—begin, began; sing, sang.

Another cluster adds -d or -t and undergoes an internal vowel change—lose, lost; buy, bought. And still others don’t change at all—set, set; put, put. No wonder, then, that our eyes glaze and our breath quickens when we have to form the past tense of verbs like dive, weave, shine, sneak, and baby-sit.

The past tenses of verbs in our language cause so many of us to become tense that I’ve written a poem about the insanity:

The verbs in English are a fright.
How can we learn to read and write?
Today we speak, but first we spoke;
Some faucets leak, but never loke.
Today we write, but first we wrote;
We bite our tongues, but never bote.
Each day I teach, for years I taught,
And preachers preach, but never praught.
This tale I tell; this tale I told;
I smell the flowers, but never smold.
If knights still slay, as once they slew,
Then do we play, as once we plew?
If I still do as once I did,
Then do cows moo, as they once mid?
I love to win, and games I’ve won;
I seldom sin, and never son.
I hate to lose, and games I lost;
I didn’t choose, and never chost.

I love to sing, and songs I sang;
I fling a ball, but never flang.
I strike that ball, that ball I struck;
This poem I like, but never luck.
I take a break, a break I took;
I bake a cake, but never book.
I eat that cake, that cake I ate;
I beat an egg, but never bate.
I often swim, as I once swam;
I skim some milk, but never skam.
I fly a kite that I once flew;
I tie a knot, but never tew.
I see the truth, the truth I saw;
I flee from falsehood, never flaw.
I stand for truth, as I once stood;
I land a fish, but never lood.
About these verbs I sit and think.
These verbs don’t fit. They seem to wink
At me, who sat for years and thought
Of verbs that never fat or wrought.

Schlagwörter:

A paraprosdokian (from Greek „παρα-„, meaning „beyond“ and „προσδοκία“, meaning „expectation“) is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating asyllepsis.

Examples
• „If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.“ — Henry J. Tillman[1]
• „I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.“ — Will Rogers[2][3]
• „She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.“ —Groucho Marx
• „I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.“ — Groucho Marx
• „One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.“ — Groucho Marx
• „Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.“ — Groucho Marx
• „It looked so good out this morning, I thought I’d leave it out.“ — Paul Benjamin King
• „I haven’t slept for ten days. Because that would be too long.“ —Mitch Hedberg
• „You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‚em later.“ – Mitch Hedberg
• „There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs… my favorite is Nestle.“ – Shmuel Breban
• „I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don’t know I’m using blanks.“ – Emo Philips
• „I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‚Get off me, you two!'“ – Emo Philips
• „Mark my words. No, Mark, I really need my words.“ — Stephen Colbert
• „If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be surprised.“ — Dorothy Parker
• „It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.“ — Jack Handey
• „On the other hand, we have different fingers.“ — Jack Handey
• „The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.“ — Jack Handey

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it’s still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with ‚Good evening‘, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says ‚In case of an emergency, notify:‘ I put „a very good DOCTOR“.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won’t expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go.  Others whenever they go.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

I used to be indecisive.  Now I’m not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Some people hear voices.  Some see invisible people.  Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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