Schallendes Lachen

Archive for the ‘Presse’ Category

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country–if they could find the time–and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country … or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Pensacola News Journal is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.


The Bus Is Recovering Nicely:
„Boy, 12, Charged in Bus Stabbing“
(Boston Globe, Sept. 25, 2003)

Isn’t This Putting the Cart Before the Hearse?:
„France Debates Euthanasia After Funeral“
(Associated Press)

But if They Have a Healthy Son, They’ll Love Him All the Same:
„Parents Hoping for Comatose Daughter“
(Associated Press)

Can’t He Walk?:
„GOP to Try Pushing Judge Through Senate“
(Associated Press)

That Must’ve Hurt:
„State Department Official Slams Pentagon“
(Associated Press)

If Abusing Your Face Is a Crime, He’ll Get the Chair for Sure:
„Jackson Surrenders to Face Abuse Charges“
(Associated Press)

With the Coroner Dead, How Do They Know the Cause?:
„Struggle With Cincinnati Police Killed Man, Coroner“

Did Anyone Tell the Moon?:
„Sun Opts Out of Eclipse“
(Information Week)

That Should Make Them Easy to Recognize:
„Missing Hikers in Maine Possibly Spotted“
(Associated Press)

Burning Toddlers:
„Tulane Professor Uses Kids to Create Energy“
(Tulane University press release)

Most of Us Just Get Wings:
„Cincinnati Cops Get Stun Guns After Death“
(Associated Press)

That Would Save the Trouble of Counting the Votes:
„Fla. May Need Disabled Voting Machines“
(Associated Press)

Why Not Stick Them in the Microwave Instead?:
„Pakistan to Grill Nuke Experts“
(Straits Times [Singapore])

Babies Having Babies: How did her unborn child get pregnant?
A Reuters dispatch describes Laci Peterson as „a pregnant California woman whose husband is charged with murdering her and the fetus of her unborn child.“

Home-Sexual Marriage:
„Virginia House Accepts Marriage Proposal“
(Washington Times)

Someone Better Untie Them So They Can Take Notes:
„More Hispanics Bound for College“
(Houston Chronicle)

Most Doctors Would Attack It:
„Psychiatrists Defend Illness“
(Home News Tribune [East Brunswick, N.J.])

She’d Probably Like a Delay:
„Federal Grand Jury to Help in Sheriff’s Wife’s Murder“
(WTOP-AM Web site [Washington])

That’s Gotta Hurt:
„Police Hold Woman Over Deadly Paris Hotel Fire“

Doesn’t the Military Have Its Own Bomb Trucks?:
„Taliban Bomb Trucks Carrying Oil for U.S. Military“


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