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Paraprosdokians…

Posted by: on: Oktober 17, 2014

Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.
Here are some examples:
  1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
  3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear  
      them speak.
  4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  5. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
  6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  7. They begin the evening news with ‚Good Evening,‘ then proceed to tell you why it
      isn’t.
  8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‚In case of emergency, notify:‘ I put
      „DOCTOR.“
11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street…with a bald
     head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is his woman. And behind the fall of a successful man
     is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive
      twice.
16. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
17. There’s a fine line between cuddling and… holding someone down so they can’t get
      away.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
19. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage
      makes you a mechanic. (AMEN)
24. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now its getting harder and harder for me to
      find one.
Schlagwörter: ,

Spiele mit der deutschen Sprache

Posted by: on: Juli 10, 2014

Nennt man, in Deutschland, Literatur mit und über Hunde „Bellotristik“?
(Maria, Facebook, 10.07.2014)

Übrigens: Low carb ist kein Zuckerschlecken.
(Richard, Facebook, 15.08.2014)

Schlagwörter:

Lexophile (2014)

Posted by: on: März 16, 2014

„Lexophile“ is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as „you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna  fish“, or „to write with a broken pencil is pointless.“

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year. This year’s winning submissions are posted below; the apparent winner is posted at the very end.

. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve  months.

. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles  U.C.L.A.

. The batteries were given out free of  charge.

 

. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

. A will is a dead giveaway.

. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

. Police were called to a day care center where a 3-year-old was resisting arrest.

. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

 

. A bicycle can’t stand alone;  it is two tired.

. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

 

. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

 

And the very cream of the crop:

. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

//

Schlagwörter:

Paraprosdokian (PEAR uh prôs DOE key uhn) Sentences

Posted by: on: Juli 9, 2013

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase, or a followup sentence or phrase, is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. I hope you enjoy these!

1.       I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2.       Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3.       I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4.       Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
5.       The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
6.       Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7.       If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
8.       We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
9.       War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
10.   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11.   Evening news is where they begin with ‚Good evening‘ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
12.   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
13.   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
14.   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15.   Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
16.   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
17.   I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
18.   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
19.   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
20.   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
21.   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
22.   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
23.   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
24.   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
25.   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
26.   Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
27.   Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
28.   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
29.   I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
30.   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31.   You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
32.   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
33.   Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
34.   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
35.   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
36.   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
37.   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Schlagwörter:

The English Plural

Posted by: on: Januar 22, 2012

The English Plural
according to….
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing,
Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship…
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing……….

If Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop???

Schlagwörter:

Up-Lifting Language

Posted by: on: März 5, 2011

Read until the end…..you’ll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings
than any other two-letter word, and that word is
‚UP.‘
It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list,
but when we awaken in the morning,
why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP,
and why are the officers UP for election
and why is it UP to the secretary
to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends,
brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver
warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and
fix UP the old car.

At other times this little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets,
work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing
but to be dressed UP
is special.

And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning
but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look UP the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary,
it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page
and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it,
you might try building UP a list
of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time,
but if you don’t give UP,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it soaks UP the earth.
When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on & on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now ……..
my time is UP!

Oh….one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning
& the last thing you do at night?

U __
__P !

Did that one crack you UP?

Don’t screw UP.
Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book…
or not…it’s UP to you.

Now
I’ll shut UP

Schlagwörter:

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