Schallendes Lachen

Just before Rosh Hashanah, a man hears that in San Francisco there’s a gay synagogue.  He’s very excited, as this sounds like what he’s been yearning for.
He gets there, and sure enough, there’s a gay cantor and a gay rabbi, and the Congregation too is mostly gay. He joins in the service, but is terribly distracted by the handsome young man sitting next to him. (There’s really no good place to put a divider in a gay synagogue.)
Finally, he gives into temptation and puts his hand on the young man’s knee. Immediately two large men wearing leather jackets under their tallies‘ rush over, pick him up, carry him out of the sanctuary, and toss him down the stairs onto the street.“
Why did you do that?“ he cried.  „I thought this was a gay synagogue.“
„It is,“ replied one of his ejectors, in a deep voice.

„But nobody messes with the rebbitzen.“

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the… (Check one:)
___ Talking section
___ No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose:)
___ The rabbi
___ The cantor
___ The cantor’s voice
___ The cantor’s significant other
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbors
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbors‘ relatives
___ Presidential Election (uh oh)
___ Sex (Preference:______________________
___ Who’s cheating on / having an affair with whom
Other:_______________________________

3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Lawyer
___ Criminal
___ Civil
___ Real estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Buyer (Specify store:______________________ )
___ Sexologist
___ Golf pro [tentative; we’re still trying to find a Jewish One]
___ Other:____________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near the window
___ In Aruba
___ Near the bathroom
___ Near my in-laws
___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
___ Near the pulpit
___ Near the Kiddush table
___ Near single men
___ Near available women
___ Where no one on the bimah can see / hear me talking during services
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi’s sermon [additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend’s spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend’s spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________

Your name:_________________________________

Building fund pledge: $________________________

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Tashlich

Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. I would suggest that we can do better. Instead:

For ordinary sins, use – White Bread
For exotic sins – French Bread
For particularly dark sins – Pumpernickel
For complex sins – Multi-grain
For twisted sins – Pretzels
For tasteless sins – Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision – Waffles
For sins committed in haste – Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes – Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah – Fresh Bread
For substance abuse/marijuana – Stoned Wheat
For substance abuse/heavy drugs – Poppy Seed
For arson – Toast
For timidity – Milk Toast
For high-handedness – Napoleons
For being sulky – Sourdough
For silliness – Nut Bread
For not giving full value – Short bread
For jingoism – Yankee Doodles
For telling bad jokes – Corn Bread
For being money-hungry – Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For telling small lies – Fudge
For war-mongering – Kaiser Rolls
For promiscuity – Hot Buns
For racism – Crackers
For sophisticated racism – Ritz Crackers
For being holier-than-thou – Bagels
For unfairly up-braiding others – Challah
For snobbery – Upper Crusts
For trashing the environment – Dumplings
For the sin of laziness – Any Very Long Loaf
For being hyper-critical – Pan Cakes
For political skullduggery – Bismarcks
For over-eating – Stuffing Bread or Bulkie Rolls
For gambling – Fortune Cookies
For pride – Puff Pastry
For cheating – Bread made with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For being snappish – Ginger Bread
For dropping in without calling beforehand – Popovers
For trying to improve everyone within sight -Angel Food Cake
For being up-tight and irritable – High Fiber or Bran Muffins
For sycophancy – Brownies
For rearing children incompetently – Raisin Bread
For immodest behavior – Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others – Tortes
For hardening our hearts – Jelly doughnuts
For abrasiveness – Grits
For recurring slip ups – Banana Bread
For davening off tune – Flat Bread
For impetuosity – Quick Bread
For silliness – Nut Bread
For risking one’s life unnecessarily – Hero Bread
For auto theft – Caraway
For excessive use of irony – Rye Bread
For larceny (especially of copyright material) – Stollen

Remember, you don’t have to show your crumbs to anyone.
For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, an attempt will be made to have pre-packaged Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Tashlich Lite, Medium and Industrial Strength) at your local Jewish gift store.